So long, Farewell...To Mood Enhancers I say Goodbye!!

Betaseron is very effective drug in the treatment of Multiple Sclerosis. Taken correctly it can cut down flare ups of Multiple Sclerosis by one-third.  Minimal side effects may occur, please discuss with you Doctor if you have any concerns or questions.

Okay drug commercial over... One of the more interesting side effects of Betaseron is that it can cause psychosis and depression in those that take it. So long story short, Doctors give a drug that can make someone depressed, or worse psychotic, to people that were just diagnosed with a terrible disease. I cannot think of a more appropriate circumstance to prescribe such a drug.  But as it says on the warning label of the drug; the doctor has prescribed this drug because they believe that the benefits of its use outweigh its risks.  This instills in me a great deal of confidence in this drug's legal department's ability to properly minimize liability, but not much else.  The good news is that these drug companies are able to develop drugs to counteract all the side effects. This leaves sick people with drug arsenals that would put Keith Richards' to shame and a feeling that every part of their life is controlled by all that is lab created. 

When I first started on Betaseron I wanted to do it with as little additional medication as possible.   My previous last true break with reality was the winter/spring of 2003; and was, interestingly enough, the result of medication. To treat the episode of Optic Neuritis, I was hospitalized and given intravenous steroid treatments. The Optic Neuritis was resolved, but those steroids left some interesting side effects.  To treat these little ripples, as one of my doctors jokingly called it, I was given Valium.  If you have ever taken Valium, or if you have seen someone on Valium, you know what it can do to people.  If I could speak at all, no thought passed through my brain on its way to my mouth.  I made those Jersey Shore fools look  like Super Geniuses.  I also got into this weird counting habit, where I would count to seven on my right hand using my thumb. "Why seven?" you ask.  Maybe for Jesus... maybe because it was odd... maybe cause I was just too tired to do eight... your guess is as good as mine.    I don't think I had one congruent thought in six months, by that I mean about 8 months. It took that long to get it all out of my system and return to normal.. Well what can only be considered normal for me.    So six years later, I was not thrilled to do all of that again.   That was until the Make-up incident of 2009.

All I remember about what I was doing that night is that make-up was involved in my evening ablution; so I must have been going somewhere for some reason. Things were going great, until my elbow brushed against my make-up case knocking onto the floor. At that very moment Hallelujah started playing on my iPod.  I remember thinking, "The symbolism of this is astounding."  From there, I do not know when I started sobbing. 

As the tears poured down, I collapsed to the floor, clutching the soulful iPod to my chest, and wishing that life could afford me the strength to carry on.  At this point, I should also mention that nothing was broken and the only things that fell out of my makeup bag was a mascara, two lip liners, and a no longer used foundation. Truly a travesty in need of its own telethon.

I did not hear Andrew come up behind me; or even know long he was watching me before he touched my shoulder and inquired as to what limb was broken/missing/bleeding profusely.  I held open hands to show him the fallen wares and said something that I will never forget, "I may be able to clean this up, but I will never have the power to fix the world." ummmm... yeah... I think I had a problem.  I had to stop worrying about what was going to happen if I did get on another drug and seriously consider what was going to happen if I did not get on it.

Andrew was kind enough not to discuss the exact details of Makeupolyspe 2009 with the doctor the next morning.  He politely suggested that I might be in need of a little more help from the pharmaceutical community.  Instead of diving straight into permanent mood enhancers, the doctor suggested that we start with episodic alleviation.  A pill to take right when I think I am going to lose my shit, before I actually lose my shit; or in layman’s terms, Ativan.  I was given 20 pills in the hope that once my body got used to the Betaseron the episodes would cease. 

“Honey, did you take out the trash?”

“It’s Tuesday, the trash does not go out on Tuesdays.”

… Five Minutes Later…

“Honey, did you take out the trash.”

“It’s Tuesday.”

…Four Minutes Later…

“Honey, did you take out the trash?”

“Yup”

I became a record running into the same scratch over and over; enriching Andrew with the same annoying song again and again.  I also left refrigerator doors open, faucets running, Emma outside, and would wear my glasses when I already had my contacts in (and be so completely out of it, I did not notice).  I would forget what I was saying mid-sentence, wander off when people were talking to me, and even, occasionally, drool.  The problem was no longer that I was feeling too much;  it was much worse, I was not feeling or thinking anything.  Consistent support of a mood enhancing nature was going to be required.

The next day, I left the office with a refill of the Ativan in one hand and fresh new prescription of Paxil in the other.  It was suggested that the Paxil may take a couple of weeks to be at full force, so Ativan would still be available as needed.  Within the next week I went from taking Ativan to four times a day to not taking it all.  Paxil was a glorious relief; in fact I had felt the best I had in years.  The Betaseron was keeping the Multiple Sclerosis from being too active, and Paxil was making taking the Betaseron worth it.  Then the hunger started.

Imagine eating an entire Thanksgiving dinner, all side dishes, desserts, and appetizers included, and still wanting something sweet.  That was my life… all the time...everyday.  If I tried not listening to the hunger, I would get a full blown migraine, complete with piercing pain, loss of vision, and yes even intense nausea. I managed to be simultaneously hungry and nauseous.  I know that this sounds ridiculous but it was either eat or be in pain. 

40 pounds or 20 kilos or 2 Stone 14 pounds later, I knew I needed to get off of it… ugh…

If I missed even one dose I would go completely off the bend. This made me completely petrified at the thought of going off it all together, no matter how large my ass got.  But I knew that I needed to take that leap and get Paxil out of my life.  I got my doctor to switch me to Wellburtin.  The first couple of weeks were terrible.  The combination of getting off of one drug and onto another drug left me nauseous all of the time.  Unfortunately, it also coincided with Andrew’s and I belated Honeymoon to Paris.  I was fine on the Eiffel Tower, at Notre Dame, and The Louvre; but Disney Paris was a completely different story.

When one gets sick at a theme park they always hope that it is after the ride or on a ride that is so quick that they can hold it in.  So after successfully riding Space Mountain, Pirates of the Caribbean, and the Indian Jones ride (twice); I thought Star Tours, a motion simulator, would be no problem.

Have you ever been strapped into a large metallic pod crammed with the touristic representation of the world, at a temperature of around 100 degrees Fahrenheit?  If you have, then you know how long it took me to get sick.  Luckily, I only barfed into my own mouth and not the small child sitting next to me.  Unluckily for me I had about 4 minutes 15 seconds more of the ride to go.  Gagging and swallowing, eyes clenched, white knuckles pressed to my mouth, I made it through the seemingly never ending ride without closing down the ride.  Walking off that ride, I knew one thing:  I was going to do whatever I could to get off of this Mood Enhancement Ride permanently.

With the blessing of my doctor, I took my last Wellbutrin ever last week... I hope.  If I was going to blow, I knew that the only thing that would ever be truly harmed is my marriage.  As I love my husband, and would like to be married to him for the rest of my life; the first week of no mood enhancers occurred with my husband at a safe distance of 6,000 miles away.  It is tentatively safe to say, aside from the excess 40 pounds, I have gotten off this Mood Enhancing Ride relatively unscathed.  My brain has gotten used to the Betaseron, and I am honestly, the most content I have ever been in my life.  My thoughts and feelings are being regulated by the only thing that should be regulating them... ME! (Don't worry, pretty much everything else in my body is still regulated by the drugs!)  I have answers to why I always feel so terrible...I am married to someone that I love a little more everyday... I am just happy and life is awesome.  But in the event of a replay of Burger Smash 2010, I  still have one Ativan in an accessibly safe place. 

Writer's Note:

I would like to emphasize that one should only go off of any medication with the permission and blessing of their doctor.   Doctors are reasonable, and more importantly they are there to help you.  If you do not feel like your doctor has your best interest at heart, the only thing that you should be thinking about changing is your doctor.  That being said it is so important to educate yourself on every medication you put into your body.  Know its side effects, know what you can and cannot do when you are on it, know if there are different doses or options available.  Doctors appreciate a reasonable and knowledgeable patient. If yours does not, that is another indicator that you need to take your business elsewhere.