BabyGate 2007 to Present PART II

So,
If you want something
And you call, call
Then I'll come running
To fight
And I'll be at your door
When there's nothing worth running for

~Glen Hansard When You're Mind's Made Up

Before you read any further please be sure that you have already read Part I.

Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh... There was our answer clear as the fluttering on the screen. We had all of our fears squashed and even better we got a chance to fall in love. I remember being more scared than excited. All I could think was, "I am going to so screw up this kid's life. What neurosis am I going to hoist upon this perfect person due to my own insecurities?" Unfortunately, I never got the chance.

Of the women who have gestational bleeding, if there is a heartbeat during the bleeding, 95% of those women will carry their pregnancy to term.* Once again, I was the odd woman out. The only thing I kept thinking was the cruelty of it all. Why did we did we get to feel total relief, only to have the rug pulled out from under us? Why was he/she made so real to us, that we actually got to fall in love? It has only been upon greater reflection and the passage of time that it all makes sense to me. We got to see our child together. We got to fall in love with our child. Most importantly, we got to be a part of our baby's life for the brief moment that they were part of this world. That moment used to tear at me, now it is something that I now cherish as one of the best moments of my life.

As a child, I loved Never Ending Story. Heck, I still love it as a adult. But one thing I never understood was the Nothingness that was destroying Fantasia. I never really grasped how truly destructive Nothingness was until I lived those few months after the miscarriage. Convinced that the only way to cure it was to get pregnant again right away. When Andrew did not want to get pregnant right away, I became completely convinced that not only did he not morn the loss, but that he was secretly relieved that we were not still pregnant. Not only were we feeling a great loss, we were completely battling with each other. Even though it did not feel like it at the time, we both were simply fighting each other for understanding and respect. Understanding of what the other was feeling and respect for them for feeling it. In this case, I can honestly say that I was probably 90% wrong in this situation. I can even say that at the time I probably knew that I was wrong; that did not matter I just so desperately wanted that giant hole in me to go away. It pushed us to be the couple that we knew we could be, a couple that we might not have ever been without it. Further proof that our first baby is truly the angel in our life.

I am not telling this tale to illicit sympathy. That is not why I have shared this experience with you. I understand and know that many of you have probably had the same or similar experiences. I just needed to set the stage to what this whole thing is truly about: The Collective Decision Making Panel That Must Be Convened In the Event That Andrew and I Decide We Would Like To Add Another Family Member Through the Act of Maternal Gestation or its acronym TCDMPTMBCITETAAIDWWLTAAFMTAOMG.

Before the panel can be convened Andrew and I must decide whether we even want to have a baby. And there are A LOT of things to consider...

If I want to get pregnant, I must first be off all of my medication for at least two months before we can start trying. I, personally, do not like the idea of getting off of my medication at all. When I was diagnosed, I had 25 active lesions on my brain. 25! For those of you who are not familiar with MS, that is a fucking lot. One active lesion can cause a full on flare up. On my most recent MRI, I only had two active lesions; and that is thanks to my medication. What will happen to me if I go off my medication and then we spend a year trying to get pregnant? My brain is already doing a stellar job of impersonating havarti do we need to push for Swiss? Can I even make it through those two months without going into full on Relapse where I could lose my vision again? Or worse the use of my hands or legs or body or mind? I have two lesions on my spine already... And if I go off my medication... Can I do those three months of getting nothing but the flu every time I get shot when I need to go back on?

Then we need to get full permission from

TCDMPTMBCITETAAIDWWLTAAFMTAOMG to actually go off the drug and start trying. This panel can and will include my neurologist and my primary care physician. Other specialists may be added as needed. They can include my internal medicine doctor, surgeon, counselor (the person in charge of seeing if I am fully accepting of my "illness") and or tummy doctor (Sorry I don't know what they are called or how to spell it close enough for it to come up on Google). Our family expansion will completely and utterly depend on their decision.

What if we get pregnant and the same thing happens again? Due to all of the changes that ocur in the body, miscarriage can cause another relapse. Can my body handle quickly being pregnant and then quickly not being? Could I handle it at all? What if happens again? and again?

Say we do decide to have a baby and we actually get pregnant, what next? Some days, I barely have the energy to brush my teeth and watch reality TV all day. Can I handle a baby, a toddler, a school age child or even worse a teenager? Duct taping your child to a chair is not good parenting skills, so that is not an option. Just cause I have no energy does not mean that our child will not. There is hope as they would be half Andrew, but that is completely nullified as they will also be half me. Will I be able to handle it if their first full sentence is, "Mommy's having a relapse"? Or even worse, what if I wake up one day and my legs don't work? Could I handle hearing my child screaming and not being able to reach them? Or even worse, what if I am holding my child, and all of the sudden my legs go out and I fall? Or my arms get too tired and they go out and I drop them? I dropped the milk carton the other day, babies can not be replaced at the super market. Andrew is in the Air Force, what if I have an episode and he is away for a week, or a month, or several months. I do not want him to be the one that they send home because "their wife needs them". It is bad enough that I am crazy... but I don't want everyone assuming I am that crazy.

What if.... eh shit.... Andrew and I are smart people, we will figure it out. We will do what is right for both of us, when it is right for both of us. We may have a baby, we may adopt, we may do both, or we may just be the ridiculously cool Aunt and Uncle that take their nieces and nephews on really cool trips and help pay for college. (Courtney, I am not putting in writing that I will pay for Avery's College here. It is a thought and just a thought... love you!)

Whatever we decide, we will have to consider my MS. It is a huge factor in this equation, but we will not let it be the whole equation. Life is too short to give MS that much power.

*Quoted to me by my Doctor and supported by some websites, but am not quite sure of the accuracy. I just know that the odds are strongly in favor of successful gestation.