Multiple Sclerosis... You are one weird disease

Multiple Sclerosis is not always painful and debilitating. For me, the majority of the time it is just... weird.

Before I was officially diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis I would wake up in the middle of the night not being able to breathe. Every time I tried to inhale, my the muscles would turn into rubber bands tightening around my lungs. Again and again, I could feel my lungs pushing themselves futilely against the brick wall that was my chest, never being able to get large enough to properly inhale. I am just glad that I am the type of person who does not panic when I wake up not being able to breathe. But I am the type of person that freaks the hell out,and then convinces herself, and attempts to convince her husband, that she only has six months to live... at 4AM...

Not only did I have COPD, I had COPD coupled with complete congestive heart failure. Diagnosis: Imminent Death. COPD explained the inability to breathe and the heart failure was diagnosed as breathing was made more difficult when I was laying flat. Of course: This diagnosis was brought to you by the expert medical opinion of the database search engine of WebMD. WebMD really should be blocked to all users after midnight. Anyone who is accessing that webpage at 2AM is not a sane user and a message should just pop up telling them that the only thing wrong with them is that they are not asleep.

I now know that I have a lesion in the dead center of my upper back. I do not know if this lesion is the exact cause of this tightness, I just know that this lesion cannot be helping. This condition is common in with people who have MS; and is referred to in the MS Community the MS Hug. I am so special that even my disease wants to hug me... yay...

I can handle the occasional chest tightening episodes. I have some pretty killer muscle relaxers that can nip that in the bud very quickly. And as long as I am not operating heavy machinery or being asked complex questions like, "Why is the milk in the cabinet?" I am only a drain on my lovely husband and not on society. (In case you are wondering my answer was, "If you can think of a better place to put it... Go for it..." but that was on a day that included both muscle relaxers and pain killers.) It is the weird tricks that a slightly damaged mind plays on you that makes this disease a constant presence in your life.

Here are some of my favorites:

-Pins and Needles/Numbness just on the bottom of my feet. When I have the numbness, I feel like I am trying to walk in the middle of a giant bouncy castle. If it is really bad, then it is a bouncy castle being used by small children all hyped up on pixie sticks. And if I am really lucky it is accompanied by a strong episode of pins and needles. So in a bouncy castle on two feet that are in a a perpetual state of waking up from being asleep... Does that spell party to anyone else?

-Electric shock that ends with a twitch. The weirdest part of this is feeling the shock and having to wait for the twitch. The twitch does not always happen right away. You know it is coming... you just don't ever know when...but it is coming...

-Imaginary Old Man Pants. By far this is the weirdest thing that is going on in my holey mind. I first noticed this a couple of months ago. I was laying in bed, reading, and by reading I mean watching TV, and it felt like my pants had ridden to high up on my waist. I only noticed this because I loathe the feeling, and I mean loathe the feeling, of anything bunched up around my waist. But when I went to adjust them, but there was nothing there. I was still feeling the old man pants, but I was not seeing them. I am fortunate that this feeling comes and goes and I am not in a perpetual state of wearing old man pants. Because that would be really annoying...

This hugging disease has me twitching, stuck in a bouncy castle wearing a pair of old man pants. And I am left trying to figure out whether it is God or this disease that has the sense of humor; all the while knowing that the important thing is that I keep mine.

Today... well, Today Sucked.

I knew that today was going to be a tough day before I even opened my eyes. My hands clawed themselves into tiny half fists that were so tense that even lifting them up caused a hugely uncomfortable sensation. As I tried to open them up into functioning appendages the pain traveled up my arms and settled securely in my spine. I would be content if from there it just parked itself into a dull ache. A dull ache is something that anyone can live with; but this pain can only be likened to a sharp shooting nightmare that radiates to every part of me that contains a nerve. My abdomen, upset with all of the attention that I was giving to the rest of my body, decided that it wanted to join the party. I can only describe that pain as doing a 1000 sit-ups and then getting punched in the gut. As I have never done 1000 sit-ups and then gotten punched in the gut this is just pure speculation used to describe something that hurts a heck of a lot. Sitting still was difficult, moving even more so, and trying to get back to sleep was futile. This was all before 6AM, yeah today was going to suck.

I got up to make myself a cup of tea, but only got as far as the living room. Luckily there was a half empty can of Mountain Dew sitting on the coffee table. It had caffeine, was there, and I was in desperate need of a liquid so I could take my pain meds; so I really did not matter that it was flat and had a couple of questionable floating bits. I swallowed the drugs in one gulp and prepared myself for a day of watching teenage moms and rich people fighting other rich people. Oh reality TV, you are a sick person's best friend and a lovely reminder that my life is not so bad.

I would love to say that I feel like I wasted my day; but I know that I did not. Life with MS is not easy; but more than anything I hate saying. "well I have good days and I have bad days." I much prefer the notion that, "I have days that are harder than other days." One of the greatest indicators of living a successful life is whether or not you have pushed yourself to do the best you can with the day you have been given. With MS, sometimes doing the best you can is simply brushing your teeth, taking a shower, and giving yourself a change of scenery by watching TV in the living room instead of in bed. I have to give myself the little victories and not mourn what I could have/should have done with my day. Yeah today was hard, and tomorrow may be harder; but the day after could be a day that does not involve reality TV and the couch. The day without pain killers, but more importantly the day without pain.

Ode to my 20's

I had my first episode of Optic Neuritis when I was 21, even though I was not diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis until I was 28. I do not know if I am the odd man out, but I was thrilled to finally be diagnosed. For seven years, I held the belief that I was just a lazy hypochondriac. But it wasn't all in my head, it was my head. It defined so much of my 20's without me even knowing for sure it was there, that this belongs with the rest of writing. I wrote this on the eve of my 30th birthday.

Ode to my 20’s

With you I graduated from college and I finally started learning.

With you I have changed my name and I changed my life.

Together we watched two wars begin and worried as loved ones went off to fight.

Together we watched my hopes and dreams shift to something brighter than I could have ever imagined.

You helped me find friends for life and friends that I will remember for a lifetime.

You helped me no longer worry about my weight; but the weight of my words.

We have seen some of the world, watched as it shrank and we began to dream of seeing more.

I have had a living thing depend on me for everything. She may have four legs but she will always be my first baby.

I have felt true loss; only to realize that it helped me become truly found.

You cured my fear of flying by making me live overseas for five years.

You cured my fear of needles by making me give myself a shot every other day.

You brought me sickness; but more importantly you brought me answers.

You brought me heartbreak; but more importantly you brought me someone to steal my heart.

So my dear sweet 20’s the time has come for us to part; as we have grown together and grown apart. It is time for you find that new special someone out there to take on this wild ride; but please think of me as fondly as I will think of you. So thank you, for I would not be the person I am today without you…

BabyGate 2007 to Present PART II

So,
If you want something
And you call, call
Then I'll come running
To fight
And I'll be at your door
When there's nothing worth running for

~Glen Hansard When You're Mind's Made Up

Before you read any further please be sure that you have already read Part I.

Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh... There was our answer clear as the fluttering on the screen. We had all of our fears squashed and even better we got a chance to fall in love. I remember being more scared than excited. All I could think was, "I am going to so screw up this kid's life. What neurosis am I going to hoist upon this perfect person due to my own insecurities?" Unfortunately, I never got the chance.

Of the women who have gestational bleeding, if there is a heartbeat during the bleeding, 95% of those women will carry their pregnancy to term.* Once again, I was the odd woman out. The only thing I kept thinking was the cruelty of it all. Why did we did we get to feel total relief, only to have the rug pulled out from under us? Why was he/she made so real to us, that we actually got to fall in love? It has only been upon greater reflection and the passage of time that it all makes sense to me. We got to see our child together. We got to fall in love with our child. Most importantly, we got to be a part of our baby's life for the brief moment that they were part of this world. That moment used to tear at me, now it is something that I now cherish as one of the best moments of my life.

As a child, I loved Never Ending Story. Heck, I still love it as a adult. But one thing I never understood was the Nothingness that was destroying Fantasia. I never really grasped how truly destructive Nothingness was until I lived those few months after the miscarriage. Convinced that the only way to cure it was to get pregnant again right away. When Andrew did not want to get pregnant right away, I became completely convinced that not only did he not morn the loss, but that he was secretly relieved that we were not still pregnant. Not only were we feeling a great loss, we were completely battling with each other. Even though it did not feel like it at the time, we both were simply fighting each other for understanding and respect. Understanding of what the other was feeling and respect for them for feeling it. In this case, I can honestly say that I was probably 90% wrong in this situation. I can even say that at the time I probably knew that I was wrong; that did not matter I just so desperately wanted that giant hole in me to go away. It pushed us to be the couple that we knew we could be, a couple that we might not have ever been without it. Further proof that our first baby is truly the angel in our life.

I am not telling this tale to illicit sympathy. That is not why I have shared this experience with you. I understand and know that many of you have probably had the same or similar experiences. I just needed to set the stage to what this whole thing is truly about: The Collective Decision Making Panel That Must Be Convened In the Event That Andrew and I Decide We Would Like To Add Another Family Member Through the Act of Maternal Gestation or its acronym TCDMPTMBCITETAAIDWWLTAAFMTAOMG.

Before the panel can be convened Andrew and I must decide whether we even want to have a baby. And there are A LOT of things to consider...

If I want to get pregnant, I must first be off all of my medication for at least two months before we can start trying. I, personally, do not like the idea of getting off of my medication at all. When I was diagnosed, I had 25 active lesions on my brain. 25! For those of you who are not familiar with MS, that is a fucking lot. One active lesion can cause a full on flare up. On my most recent MRI, I only had two active lesions; and that is thanks to my medication. What will happen to me if I go off my medication and then we spend a year trying to get pregnant? My brain is already doing a stellar job of impersonating havarti do we need to push for Swiss? Can I even make it through those two months without going into full on Relapse where I could lose my vision again? Or worse the use of my hands or legs or body or mind? I have two lesions on my spine already... And if I go off my medication... Can I do those three months of getting nothing but the flu every time I get shot when I need to go back on?

Then we need to get full permission from

TCDMPTMBCITETAAIDWWLTAAFMTAOMG to actually go off the drug and start trying. This panel can and will include my neurologist and my primary care physician. Other specialists may be added as needed. They can include my internal medicine doctor, surgeon, counselor (the person in charge of seeing if I am fully accepting of my "illness") and or tummy doctor (Sorry I don't know what they are called or how to spell it close enough for it to come up on Google). Our family expansion will completely and utterly depend on their decision.

What if we get pregnant and the same thing happens again? Due to all of the changes that ocur in the body, miscarriage can cause another relapse. Can my body handle quickly being pregnant and then quickly not being? Could I handle it at all? What if happens again? and again?

Say we do decide to have a baby and we actually get pregnant, what next? Some days, I barely have the energy to brush my teeth and watch reality TV all day. Can I handle a baby, a toddler, a school age child or even worse a teenager? Duct taping your child to a chair is not good parenting skills, so that is not an option. Just cause I have no energy does not mean that our child will not. There is hope as they would be half Andrew, but that is completely nullified as they will also be half me. Will I be able to handle it if their first full sentence is, "Mommy's having a relapse"? Or even worse, what if I wake up one day and my legs don't work? Could I handle hearing my child screaming and not being able to reach them? Or even worse, what if I am holding my child, and all of the sudden my legs go out and I fall? Or my arms get too tired and they go out and I drop them? I dropped the milk carton the other day, babies can not be replaced at the super market. Andrew is in the Air Force, what if I have an episode and he is away for a week, or a month, or several months. I do not want him to be the one that they send home because "their wife needs them". It is bad enough that I am crazy... but I don't want everyone assuming I am that crazy.

What if.... eh shit.... Andrew and I are smart people, we will figure it out. We will do what is right for both of us, when it is right for both of us. We may have a baby, we may adopt, we may do both, or we may just be the ridiculously cool Aunt and Uncle that take their nieces and nephews on really cool trips and help pay for college. (Courtney, I am not putting in writing that I will pay for Avery's College here. It is a thought and just a thought... love you!)

Whatever we decide, we will have to consider my MS. It is a huge factor in this equation, but we will not let it be the whole equation. Life is too short to give MS that much power.

*Quoted to me by my Doctor and supported by some websites, but am not quite sure of the accuracy. I just know that the odds are strongly in favor of successful gestation.

BabyGate 2007 to Present PART I

Andrew and I had been married for a year and a half when the first serious discussion of having a baby occurred. We were driving to a friend's house getting ready for a light night of drinking and hanging out. Because we had to drive home we had to figure out who was going to do the drinking and who was going to do the driving. Long story short, or short story long, Andrew asked me if my period was late. Ummm.... we had just moved, then the holidays, and there was a lot going on so... ummmm... noooo....mayyybeee...ummm... nooo. As that was my answer almost verbatim, Andrew asked me to do something that he had never asked me to do before and has never asked me since, would I please take a pregnancy test. As fortune had it, we were sitting in the BX parking lot while having this discussion, so there was really no reason to deny his request.

We walked inside together only to to separate him to the electronics department and me to the baby aisle. I would like to take a moment to register a complaint regarding store layout here. Why on God's Green Earth would you place Condoms, Baby Diapers, and Pregnancy Tests all in the same place? I know in theory that all of these things belong together, in theory. But you take one look at the cost of Baby Diapers and it will make any ardent person with the case of the Babies want to do an about face and reconsider the loss of disposable income. Then there are those that are slightly stressed about the possibility of spawning new life and right above the pregnancy tests are the condoms mocking the irresponsible on their poor planning skills. Put the Baby Diapers with the toilet paper, the condoms with alcohol, and the pregnancy tests with the cotton balls. I don't know why cotton balls, it just seems to fit. But I digress...

I quickly purchased the cheapest PT and headed straight to the public bathroom. I had nothing to worry about so it was not something that really needed to be taken seriously, or so I thought.

I locked myself in the disabled bathroom as there was more room and its own sink and trashcan. I took the test quickly and waited. Just as a screaming child entered the bathroom the little pink sign appeared in front of my eyes. Never in my life have I been so glad to have just finished peeing. I emerged from the bathroom holding that little piece of plastic. The woman with the screaming child took one look at what I was holding and the look on my face and quickly quieted her child. Realizing that it was probably not the most polite thing in the world to hold a pee stick in front of one's face in a public place, I quickly shoved the life changer in my pocket. Again, not the best place for it but I needed proof in case I stumbled into a world of disbelief.

Right around this time, kids everywhere had those crazy shoes with the wheels in them. I swear that they were issued to every child on RAF Lakenheath that year. If a child could walk they could glide. As I emerged from the bathroom, I stumbled into an entire flock of gliding pre-teens circling around me like the flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz. They seemed to have planned this to further scare the shit out of me. To this day I cannot see one of those kids gliding on the their skate shoes without hearing the Wicked Witch's Flying Monkeys Theme song in my head.

I still remember walking up to Andrew. He was in his tan winter coat with his back to me. I tapped him on the back and uttered the words millions of women have uttered to millions of men, "I'm pregnant." It is said that you can see someone cycle through a dozen of thoughts with a dozen emotions. I did not believe that until that moment. "You're joking!" turned to "How?" which turned to "When?" then cycled into "oh yeah..." which changed into "oh, shit!" then "Oh Shit!" then "I am so not ready for this," and finally "My wife is pregnant and I am going to be a Dad." I saw that all in his face in the half a second it took for him to hug me.

I would love to say that the story ended happily and we welcomed a beautiful baby into our lives; but that is not how this story ends. I started bleeding so we went to the doctor. The only way to tell if everything was okay was through an ultrasound. The only thing that the Doctor said before she started the test was that she "fully expects tears either way."

SOOOOO..... BETASERSON TIME ... I will finish the rest of the story tomorrow. I can tell you though... it gets pretty good... but it is my life so I might be a little biased.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SESI19h4wDo

What a long strange Ambien Trip it has been...

One of the crappier parts of taking Betaseron is that it can cause extreme insomnia. I have no idea whose bright idea it was to design a drug that causes insomnia to patients with extreme fatigue issues... but figuring out a drug company's motivation is roughly equivalent to trying to figure out the good Congress does for the American people. (I do know what both have in common though. The Answer: Screw the American people. But that was only if you were wondering...) Political aside aside, doctors can prescribe a sleeping aid to help counteract that side effect. I was first prescribed Lunesta, which was fantastic, if its purpose was to get me to jump on my bed like a four-year old who just had their first pixie stick. So I asked my doctor for something else. He prescribed me Ambien. I LOVED LOVED LOVED Ambien. At first it only had the one small side effect of making me talk in in my pre-falling asleep haze. Nine times out of ten, I do not even remember that I do this. The only reason that I know that I do this is that my hubby provides me with a little good natured ribbing the morning. I have asked him to tell me some of his "favorites" for your entertainment. They are as follows:

"Strawberry shortcake needs a haircut. That shit is out of control."
"Where did all these marshmallows come from?"

"Are you enjoying your soup Bears? The secret ingredient is love... and poison!"

In addition to simple phrases, I have also tried to get him to help me train the dog, and, more often then not, attempted to get intimate (with my husband, not the dog). If any of these things happen, he will ask me if I have taken an Ambien. If I respond by saying, "You've taken an Ambien," he knows that I have. After all of this, I am quite surprised that he still sleeps in the same bed as me (or more importantly, why he still eats the soup that I make for him). I never Tiger Woodsed anything or stood up on a plane screaming, so I figured a little talking in my sleep never really did any harm. I did not take it too often and if anything it gave Andrew and I a good laugh, so really no harm no foul. That was until last week. Last week Ambien and I officially ended our professional relationship, well unless I go to a laser light show or find a place to get glow sticks wholesale.

I had never heard that some people hallucinate on Ambien. If I had, I don't know if that would have changed my mind on taking the drug. So many of my medications have such terrible side effects that the possibility of a six foot bunny would not have scared me off. That was before I knew that my hallucinations were going to be more Donnie Darko and the man in the bunny costume, and not so much Jimmy Stewart and Harvey the friendly pooka. But before I get into that let me tell you about my bathroom rug.

In our bathroom we have this shaggy thick beige rug. I was standing in there brushing my teeth, I started to notice that the rug was really dirty. I mean really dirty, as it seemed to be covered in black dots. As I began to look closer, those black dots started to move. My first thought was oh great, Emma has got fleas and she brought them into the house. That was until the rug turned a shiny blue and red color and started growing around my feet. At this point, a sane human being would probably start freaking out or at the very least stop staring at their rug. But I am not so I did not. In fact, I did not even know how much time had passed until my husband asked me if I was going to take another ten minutes. When you take into account my vision problems, list of medications and their side effects, and my spotty MRI, hallucinations could be attributed to almost any single thing or a combination of a few things. As I had taken all of the drugs many times before, I chalked it up to a one off experience brought on by exhaustion. As they say, if I only knew then what I know now.

A couple of nights later, after several hours of tossing and turning, I decided that an Ambien was in order. I took one and attempted to drift off; but that is when the baby started crying. We don't have a baby. Weird yes, but we live on a busy path in Oxford City Center... so probably someone just walking their crying child... outside... at 3AM. I have seen Toddlers & Tiaras, so I can believe that someone would consider that good parenting. I poked my head out the window in the hope that it would.at least cause them to move on to a new locale so I could get some sleep. No inept parent holding a screaming infant or anyone else for that matter, but the crying continued. Our house was built on the land that had once been a part of The Rewely Abby. All that remains of this 13t century abbey is the wall lines the path outside our house. Hmmm... Ghost Baby? ah... What harm can a ghost baby do, really? It was not until the light on TV turned into the two glowing red eyes of a floating tissue monster that I started to freak the fuck out.

As the tissue monster kept telling me that sleep was not option, I decided to go watch TV in our living room. I would like to say that the hallucinations stopped as soon as I got into a well lit room, but luck is rarely on my side. Here is a few of my greatest hits from that night:

~Andrew's back pack started to shake like it had a great secret to share with me. Because I did not open it to discover its secret, it started to grow brown shaggy hair in anger.

~Remember Chairry from Pee-Wee's Playhouse? Well, her cousin spent about 45 minutes trying to talk to me. On the bright side I was not hallucinating the entire chair, it was just our blue arm chair trying talk using the cushion and seat as its mouth. The hallucinating the entire chair... well that would have been just insane.

~My dog Emma's duck toy came to life. It only got so far as to lift its head and flap its wings a little. Thank God it did not talk, but it was able to look into my eyes to telepathically plead with me to never use it to play fetch with her again.

Although, it is not unusual to talk in your sleep and have very vivid dreams, hallucinations on Ambien do occur in roughly less than 1% of those that take it. I found that information out as I was aggressively googling in between hallucinations. One woman even saw elephants hiding in her closet, another thought she saw a volcano erupting in her backyard; so at least I am not alone in my visions. Armed with that information, I was able to go back into my bed tell the baby to shut up, the tissue monster to flush itself, and finally drift off to sleep. I do remember the last thing to cross my mind right before I fell asleep, "I can't believe that this shit is legal and pot is not..."

One Letter to an Amazing Little Lady

My Dearest Little Niece,

Right now you are just a tiny babe in Hawaii. If you are reading this, then you are are old enough to know that you wish you remembered it. You had fun, go look at the pictures.

I am writing you this now, even though you are completely unable to read it, for several reasons. Most importantly, I want to be 100% positive that you will always know exactly how I feel and what I think about you, regardless of situation or circumstance. I want you to have my promises to you in writing, so you can always hold me to them. One of the most important jobs of the next generation is to hold the old generation to the promises of their youth. Finally, and the most important reason to me to be writing this to you now, is that I am sick. You will know this before you will be able to read this, so it is a little silly that I am even writing it. My illness is such a part of our family, that I would not be surprised if it is not one of your very first memories. Right now, at this moment this is the most there that I will ever be; and I really do not know how fast or how far I will fall. That scares me for so many reasons. But what truly scares me the absolute most is that there is a slim chance that you may never get a chance to know me or know how I really feel, and will always feel, about you. Not only you, but all of your cousins-in-waiting. By writing this letter to you now, I am asking you a great service. If I am unable to tell your cousins or siblings any of this, please tell them for me. This is a lot to ask from someone so little and I am sorry. But you are the oldest and will be able to have the most memories and I want all of what I am about to say to be part of that. I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, none of us do. But as days get harder, I know in my heart that there is no better day than today to say exactly what I want to say to those that I love, especially you beautiful intelligent Avery.

So here it is:

I do not want or will ever expect you to be perfect. If you had been, I would find you exceedingly boring and probably more than a little annoying. You were given those faults that you have for a reason, use them. Use them to humble yourself around others; they are probably right about many things that you do not know or are completely ignorant of. You may be right in this one instance; but there are probably a million instances that they would be right on. Please keep that in the back of your mind when you are battling with someone for a stupid stupid reason. Perfection should be sought when considering the amount of kindness you are able to show others. I am not saying let people step on you, I am just saying let things go. You do not need to be right all of the time, or even any of the time for that matter.

Use these faults to push yourself to always be striving to become a better person. One of the best parts of life is that we are constantly growing. I pray to God that I am not same person in 20 years that I am today. Today, I am a pretty passable 30 year old. But a passable 30 year old makes a pretty pathetic 50 year old. Trust me I have seen too many 50 year olds acting like 30 year olds, and it is not a pretty sight. It usually involves spandex, botox, and expensive wardrobes. If you are still in need of clarification please rent Sex in the City 2. This old movie will show you how ridiculous 50 years look trying to act 30 really really is. If it does not exist in your time, which I truly hope that it does not, please just take my word for it. And if you see me acting like that, I think we will all know that the MS has truly destroyed every sense I ever had. You are still trying to master the art of rolling over. It feels ridicously hard now, but one day soon you will have it perfected. The best news that I have for you is that a new challenge is waiting.

Most importantly, use these faults to not take yourself so frigging seriously. When you are wrong, admit it, laugh at yourself, and learn from it. Laughing at yourself is honestly the bigger parts, as it will remind you how unbelievably short and beautiful this life is.

Is it really worth it to fighting for a something that you will probably not even remember what it is about. Ask anyone about a major fight they had, they almost always remember the fight, but very few remember what started the whole thing. I will also say that if you really remember it, it will probably be because you were so wrong that you made a giant ass of yourself. Stop before it is too late and save yourself from yourself. You can be your own greatest ally or your own greatest enemy; it is completely in your own hands to decide which it is going to be. I hope that I will be there to help you make some of those decisions for yourself. I am your Aunt not your Mom; it is my job to just be there for you... an often more often than not... giving you pieces of, probably very random (did you know that Robert Lincoln was saved by Edwin Booth in a random train accident? if you have a question about either of those people or why they are important... Google... if google does not exist use whatever replaced Google) advice. Even if you are completely lost or in trouble and have no idea where you are going or what do next; I will be there if you ask me to be. I promise to put my judgement aside and help you grow into the truly amazing human being I know that you are destined be. Please hold in your heart that you are never so far down shit's creek that I cannot reach you. There is nothing that you will ever do that will stop the fact that I love you more than words. That last last sentence is the most important. (Keep in mind that this is coming from your Aunt... so imagine how many million times more strongly your parents feel about it... )

You may be embarrassed by me; and that is okay because it is my job to help you to not be. I would put money on the fact that you will probably be embarrassed by all of us at one point in time. The best way to describe us Jacobses... is... lovingly interesting. We are loud, and we like to yell, and we like to always be right even about something as stupid as how to make pancakes. You will hear, "I'm just saying..." from all the Jacobs women so many times that you will not even hear that part anymore. But I will tell you one thing, and know this for sure, we love each other so much. We will be the first to tell you that you are wrong and the first to shout at you if you do something that we do not like; but if you fall I have never seen a family so quickly come to pick you up. And if you cannot get up we will sit with you until you can. Your Aunt Jenny will probably teach you crafts; but more importantly she will teach you about the beauty of the small things. How if you take the time, I mean truly take the time, you can make anything beautiful. But do not... I repeat... do not... ever say to her ever..."Sure I will help you make satin flowers." You just gotta trust me on that one kid. Your "Grandpa yet to be named" will show you that hard work and a job well done will really take you were you want to go. More importantly, he will show you how unselfish and loyal a human being can truly be. He is loud and he burst into rooms shouting, regardless of whether or not you are watching a movie; but in a crisis he is clear headed and in it all the way until the crisis is resolved. Your Uncle Charlie will teach you how things actually work, and in this how patience is often the greatest gift you can give to yourself and those around you. And then there is the love of my life, your Uncle Andrew... I can fill up a million pages of all the things that he has taught me and all that I love about him. But there are two things that he has taught me, and I hope that he will teach you. The first is that when something gets more difficult, push yourself to rise to the occasion. This is important for so many different reasons. Do not do this with the expectation that you will get exactly what you want by working harder. If you always have this expectation you will at least once, if not many many more times, be gravely disappointed. Do it, because when you quit the only thing you are really quitting is yourself. The second lesson, and the one that I have the hardest time with is that the only person that you have to compete with is yourself; and when you compare yourself to yourself you will never ever be jealous. And you will learn quickly that the less jealous you are, the happier you will be. (Please also ask him about Geeky stuff. I love it and he is so smart and knowledgeable about so many fun random things: Camping, Comics, books, tv shows, movies, technology; with him I have learned to appreciate things that I had never ever considered before. so soo soo fun and I have loved every moment of that part of him and me) Finally, there is our loving Mar Mar. Mar Mar is one of the most passionate generous human beings that you will ever meet. She will teach you the joy of putting a smile on someone else's face. When you learn that joy, and you feel it deep in your heart, you will be one step closer to the human being that we should all strive to be. But if you have not seen her throw herself on the stairs/chairs/tables/floor in a rapturous fit of pure frustrated emotion yet... wait for it.... it can only be described as classic....

I promise that I will help you find what is really in your heart. Help you separate all of the noise of your head and the world around you; and really understand where your heart wants you to go. When you do this you will never, ever, ever regret where you are. There will be times when life will deal you some low blows. You are not alone in that, life does that to everyone, and many times you will not be able to see the hard times that others are being dealt. But when you follow your heart, and I mean truly follow your heart, no matter what is going on that you cannot control you will always be happy with where you are. You would not believe how important that last part is.

Travel. Not so you have a bunch of pictures on the wall or a cool thing to say parties. Travel so you will gain an understanding of the world that you live in. It is a big place and there are so many amazingly different and wonderful people out there that are just waiting to know and understand someone like you. You may live in California all of your life or you may move around more times than you can actually remember off the top of your head. Do not be afraid to move somewhere new or far away, even if it is very far away from your family and friends. Being far from your family can be hard, maybe even one of the hardest things that you will ever have to do; but I will tell you from personal experience nothing will make you appreciate them more. Plus, it will really help you understand what you really want from life and who you really want to be.

Avery, I am sure that you have noticed that I did not mention your Mom or Dad. I did that for one reason, and one reason alone. You already know them better than I can articulate in a few sentences. One of the best parts of having a parent is slowly learning to understand them, and know who they are as actual people. If you ever have any questions about either of them, you can ask me. If I do not know the answer or cannot answer, I will never lie to you about it. This holds true for any question you ever ask me. I promise you that I will always point you in the right direction so you can get the honest answers that I may not be able to provide for you. What I do want say about your parents, and I am quite sure that you already know by the time you are actually reading this, is that you have two amazing amazing people who love you more than words can even begin to describe. They have impressed, but not surprised, at what excellent parents they are. But I will put it on Record here: I was and will always be against baby headbands....

Avery you are awesome. I really look forward to being a part of your life. I truly believe that you are the greatest thing that has ever happened to the Expanded Jacobs Family. (hopefully you will not be the only one!)

Love Always,

Your Auntie Andrea

PS The other thing you will get from me is limitless source of books... I am really excited about that.... Finally found the Complete Little House on the Prairie collection, most people settle for the seven book collection... not me you need the 9