Right now you are just a tiny babe in Hawaii. If you are reading this, then you are are old enough to know that you wish you remembered it. You had fun, go look at the pictures.
I am writing you this now, even though you are completely unable to read it, for several reasons. Most importantly, I want to be 100% positive that you will always know exactly how I feel and what I think about you, regardless of situation or circumstance. I want you to have my promises to you in writing, so you can always hold me to them. One of the most important jobs of the next generation is to hold the old generation to the promises of their youth. Finally, and the most important reason to me to be writing this to you now, is that I am sick. You will know this before you will be able to read this, so it is a little silly that I am even writing it. My illness is such a part of our family, that I would not be surprised if it is not one of your very first memories. Right now, at this moment this is the most there that I will ever be; and I really do not know how fast or how far I will fall. That scares me for so many reasons. But what truly scares me the absolute most is that there is a slim chance that you may never get a chance to know me or know how I really feel, and will always feel, about you. Not only you, but all of your cousins-in-waiting. By writing this letter to you now, I am asking you a great service. If I am unable to tell your cousins or siblings any of this, please tell them for me. This is a lot to ask from someone so little and I am sorry. But you are the oldest and will be able to have the most memories and I want all of what I am about to say to be part of that. I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow, none of us do. But as days get harder, I know in my heart that there is no better day than today to say exactly what I want to say to those that I love, especially you beautiful intelligent Avery.
So here it is:
I do not want or will ever expect you to be perfect. If you had been, I would find you exceedingly boring and probably more than a little annoying. You were given those faults that you have for a reason, use them. Use them to humble yourself around others; they are probably right about many things that you do not know or are completely ignorant of. You may be right in this one instance; but there are probably a million instances that they would be right on. Please keep that in the back of your mind when you are battling with someone for a stupid stupid reason. Perfection should be sought when considering the amount of kindness you are able to show others. I am not saying let people step on you, I am just saying let things go. You do not need to be right all of the time, or even any of the time for that matter.
Use these faults to push yourself to always be striving to become a better person. One of the best parts of life is that we are constantly growing. I pray to God that I am not same person in 20 years that I am today. Today, I am a pretty passable 30 year old. But a passable 30 year old makes a pretty pathetic 50 year old. Trust me I have seen too many 50 year olds acting like 30 year olds, and it is not a pretty sight. It usually involves spandex, botox, and expensive wardrobes. If you are still in need of clarification please rent Sex in the City 2. This old movie will show you how ridiculous 50 years look trying to act 30 really really is. If it does not exist in your time, which I truly hope that it does not, please just take my word for it. And if you see me acting like that, I think we will all know that the MS has truly destroyed every sense I ever had. You are still trying to master the art of rolling over. It feels ridicously hard now, but one day soon you will have it perfected. The best news that I have for you is that a new challenge is waiting.
Most importantly, use these faults to not take yourself so frigging seriously. When you are wrong, admit it, laugh at yourself, and learn from it. Laughing at yourself is honestly the bigger parts, as it will remind you how unbelievably short and beautiful this life is.
Is it really worth it to fighting for a something that you will probably not even remember what it is about. Ask anyone about a major fight they had, they almost always remember the fight, but very few remember what started the whole thing. I will also say that if you really remember it, it will probably be because you were so wrong that you made a giant ass of yourself. Stop before it is too late and save yourself from yourself. You can be your own greatest ally or your own greatest enemy; it is completely in your own hands to decide which it is going to be. I hope that I will be there to help you make some of those decisions for yourself. I am your Aunt not your Mom; it is my job to just be there for you... an often more often than not... giving you pieces of, probably very random (did you know that Robert Lincoln was saved by Edwin Booth in a random train accident? if you have a question about either of those people or why they are important... Google... if google does not exist use whatever replaced Google) advice. Even if you are completely lost or in trouble and have no idea where you are going or what do next; I will be there if you ask me to be. I promise to put my judgement aside and help you grow into the truly amazing human being I know that you are destined be. Please hold in your heart that you are never so far down shit's creek that I cannot reach you. There is nothing that you will ever do that will stop the fact that I love you more than words. That last last sentence is the most important. (Keep in mind that this is coming from your Aunt... so imagine how many million times more strongly your parents feel about it... )
You may be embarrassed by me; and that is okay because it is my job to help you to not be. I would put money on the fact that you will probably be embarrassed by all of us at one point in time. The best way to describe us Jacobses... is... lovingly interesting. We are loud, and we like to yell, and we like to always be right even about something as stupid as how to make pancakes. You will hear, "I'm just saying..." from all the Jacobs women so many times that you will not even hear that part anymore. But I will tell you one thing, and know this for sure, we love each other so much. We will be the first to tell you that you are wrong and the first to shout at you if you do something that we do not like; but if you fall I have never seen a family so quickly come to pick you up. And if you cannot get up we will sit with you until you can. Your Aunt Jenny will probably teach you crafts; but more importantly she will teach you about the beauty of the small things. How if you take the time, I mean truly take the time, you can make anything beautiful. But do not... I repeat... do not... ever say to her ever..."Sure I will help you make satin flowers." You just gotta trust me on that one kid. Your "Grandpa yet to be named" will show you that hard work and a job well done will really take you were you want to go. More importantly, he will show you how unselfish and loyal a human being can truly be. He is loud and he burst into rooms shouting, regardless of whether or not you are watching a movie; but in a crisis he is clear headed and in it all the way until the crisis is resolved. Your Uncle Charlie will teach you how things actually work, and in this how patience is often the greatest gift you can give to yourself and those around you. And then there is the love of my life, your Uncle Andrew... I can fill up a million pages of all the things that he has taught me and all that I love about him. But there are two things that he has taught me, and I hope that he will teach you. The first is that when something gets more difficult, push yourself to rise to the occasion. This is important for so many different reasons. Do not do this with the expectation that you will get exactly what you want by working harder. If you always have this expectation you will at least once, if not many many more times, be gravely disappointed. Do it, because when you quit the only thing you are really quitting is yourself. The second lesson, and the one that I have the hardest time with is that the only person that you have to compete with is yourself; and when you compare yourself to yourself you will never ever be jealous. And you will learn quickly that the less jealous you are, the happier you will be. (Please also ask him about Geeky stuff. I love it and he is so smart and knowledgeable about so many fun random things: Camping, Comics, books, tv shows, movies, technology; with him I have learned to appreciate things that I had never ever considered before. so soo soo fun and I have loved every moment of that part of him and me) Finally, there is our loving Mar Mar. Mar Mar is one of the most passionate generous human beings that you will ever meet. She will teach you the joy of putting a smile on someone else's face. When you learn that joy, and you feel it deep in your heart, you will be one step closer to the human being that we should all strive to be. But if you have not seen her throw herself on the stairs/chairs/tables/floor in a rapturous fit of pure frustrated emotion yet... wait for it.... it can only be described as classic....
I promise that I will help you find what is really in your heart. Help you separate all of the noise of your head and the world around you; and really understand where your heart wants you to go. When you do this you will never, ever, ever regret where you are. There will be times when life will deal you some low blows. You are not alone in that, life does that to everyone, and many times you will not be able to see the hard times that others are being dealt. But when you follow your heart, and I mean truly follow your heart, no matter what is going on that you cannot control you will always be happy with where you are. You would not believe how important that last part is.
Travel. Not so you have a bunch of pictures on the wall or a cool thing to say parties. Travel so you will gain an understanding of the world that you live in. It is a big place and there are so many amazingly different and wonderful people out there that are just waiting to know and understand someone like you. You may live in California all of your life or you may move around more times than you can actually remember off the top of your head. Do not be afraid to move somewhere new or far away, even if it is very far away from your family and friends. Being far from your family can be hard, maybe even one of the hardest things that you will ever have to do; but I will tell you from personal experience nothing will make you appreciate them more. Plus, it will really help you understand what you really want from life and who you really want to be.
Avery, I am sure that you have noticed that I did not mention your Mom or Dad. I did that for one reason, and one reason alone. You already know them better than I can articulate in a few sentences. One of the best parts of having a parent is slowly learning to understand them, and know who they are as actual people. If you ever have any questions about either of them, you can ask me. If I do not know the answer or cannot answer, I will never lie to you about it. This holds true for any question you ever ask me. I promise you that I will always point you in the right direction so you can get the honest answers that I may not be able to provide for you. What I do want say about your parents, and I am quite sure that you already know by the time you are actually reading this, is that you have two amazing amazing people who love you more than words can even begin to describe. They have impressed, but not surprised, at what excellent parents they are. But I will put it on Record here: I was and will always be against baby headbands....
Avery you are awesome. I really look forward to being a part of your life. I truly believe that you are the greatest thing that has ever happened to the Expanded Jacobs Family. (hopefully you will not be the only one!)
Love Always,
Your Auntie Andrea
PS The other thing you will get from me is limitless source of books... I am really excited about that.... Finally found the Complete Little House on the Prairie collection, most people settle for the seven book collection... not me you need the 9
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