Thank you MS, I owe you one!

There are some benefits to having a terrible Neurological Disease... aside from free parking and Medicinal Marijuana. It has changed me for the better... in some ways...

I used to be the world's worst hypochondriac. The Disease of the Week, as Andrew and I would jokingly call it, every week I was deathly ill with some terrible terminal disease. Usually it would coincide with the disease featured on that week's House. It got so bad that there were times that Andrew threatened to take away my House watching privileges. I think that he did not because in the back of his mind he knew that that would not slow me down in the slightest. I still had Disease of the Week, is it just me or does that sound like the worst magazine ever, regardless of House. Because WebMD was always there to pick up the slack. Did you know that all paths on WebMD lead to cancer or some other equally terrible disease? There were also weeks that he would block WebMD via Parental controls on our wireless. That did not stop me as you can never block Google; which is a thousand times worse. Did you know that Google can lead you to every crazy that has ever had anything and posted it on the web? He unblocked after the Google incited latent Rabies week. This continued on for months, years even. I would wake up in the middle of the night gasping for breath, it had to small-cell lung cancer. I would have a terrible headache and blurry vision, so I had to be a brain tumor. The left side of my body would go completely numb, I had to be having a stroke. Much to his (I have to believe) frustration, sometimes he would find me at 3AM looking for abnormal fungi or leaking chemicals to see if there was some answer out there to why I was feeling so incredibly terrible, tired, numb, pained.... He would ask me what I was doing, I would tell him, and he would take my hand so he could lead me in bed. Let's face it anyone that is up at 3AM looking for toxic mold under their sink needs to be put to bed. It honestly was a hallelujah moment once I was diagnosed. I was right there was something wrong with me. But it was not a thousand different things, it was a thousand different things disguised as MS. There is now no longer a new disease of the week and I can honestly say that I have not checked WebMD in months. The disease of the week is the same every week, because every week is MS WEEK!!.. yay?... It is like a much crappier Christmas with all the laziness, but without all the presents. But on the eternally bright side, I know that I can control MS and not let it control me. It no longer takes my thoughts or emotions; most of the time... I mean I am still human. It is not like I have be chosen by the Guardians of Oa, reached a new stage of enlightenment, or anything cool like that.

To say that I am a very passionate person, is an extremely nice way of saying that I get angry really really really ... really ... easily. I can speak my mind without any thought to what is actually being said. I can be extremely passive aggressive in any email that I wish to write. I can break any dish that I feel needs to be destroyed. I can slam any door when I feel that will better emphasize my point. The list goes on... and on... and ... well on... Thanks to MS, if I let my passion overcome my words too much; I will either massively stutter or I will lose the ability to say words at all (even though in my brain can hear them perfectly, I completely lose the ability to say them, which is pretty common in certain people with MS). So thank you MS, now I need to actually think through what I am about to say. I need to take my words and organize them carefully and calmly in my mind before they can actually come out of my mouth. If I choose not to do this, they will come out in an in-congruent mess of stutters and forgotten words. When this happens I my words more closely resemble the adults in Charlie Brown instead of the intelligent argument I hear in my head. I also can no longer point in an accusatory manner when I am angry. All my victim will see is a hand shaking so uncontrollably that I look like I am about to go into a full on seizure. I don't even need to add that that is the complete opposite of vision of the strong and righteous person that I so desperately want to convey in an elevated situation. So now when I am really angry, I have to sit quietly with my hands folded in my lap, carefully considering and organizing my words. When it does finally come out the words are well thought out, semi-separated from emotion, and completely absent of any hand gestures. Try as I might, if I am still stressed or angry there is nothing that I can do to change the whole shaking thing. (SIDE NOTE: This does not apply at all to my wonderful hubby. I can give two shits whether or not he sees me shaking and stuttering. He has see me in a far worse states than that. So lucky him... can still yell at him... and no one else... seriously poor Andrew... send him a present...)

I feel the rhythm in music now. This is something that my beautiful little sister is always able to understand and appreciate, but was honestly always lost on me. I know that this sounds incredibly odd to most people, but I can now get lost in the rhythm. Before my mind would go in so many different directions; it would tie itself around the lyrics and everything else would be lost. It would analyze and dissect in an attempt to make sense of all of the words and how they fit into what is going on in my life. But now the beat can sometimes just put me into that moment. I can not tell you how much I completely and utterly love it! This is a moment that you need to be in right now, appreciate it and enjoy it. MS has taught me to appreciate that. All you have is this moment, a million things might happen in the next; but guess what, nothing you can do will change that. MS can be a ticking time bomb or it can be a reminder that life is precious, short, and beautiful. That second in time just you and the beat, nothing else.

With clear minds, patience, and knowing that each moment is a gift, (all of which happen to be the gifts that having MS has given me) we can beat this. Not in the way that we will not be hospitalized, feel like shit most of the time, or loose some form of normal function of our bodies; that my friend would be far too easy. We will push ourselves to overcome every challenge and every episode. MS becomes such a small part of who and what we are that we will not mention it to everyone that meet. It will no longer be the first thing we think of when we wake up in the morning and the last thing we think of before we go to bed. Sometimes a leg falling asleep is just a leg falling asleep; even Non-Msers have moments when they are sure that that arm is lost forever. It is only a side note that needs to be mentioned in passing and thrown to the side like the small detail that it really is.

So MS, this is the only time that you will hear me say this in a non-sarcastic way, , you have given me the gifts that have made you as irrelevant as possible. I truly believe that those aforementioned changes have been for the better. They have taught me things that I needed to learn and pushed me in ways that I needed to be pushed. If you want to give me a couple of more these episodes, I am all for it.

ummm.... Suck it MS!

Completely Random Topic:

I have decided that MS patients need a theme song. I think that I might have found one. It is by John Butler Trio. It is called Revolution, and it is originally about the oppression of the masses ( I think). But I definitely think that the last verse, which I have included below, should be the anthem for all of us MSers. Please let me know if guys think that it should be something else (Non-MSers are allowed to submit as well, some of them can still hear the rhythm). The last part especially makes me feel like I am back in control of my life. This is especially true in the moments when I shout it at the top of my lungs and do the full on air fist pump.

Revolution by John Butler Trio (last verse)

So tell me when you think we're gonna rise?
Wake from this slumber wipe the tears from our eyes?
Yes from this nightmare yes I must now wake,
open my fist my destiny I take!
Good people sick and tired of being pushed around,
we call them kings but I see no crown.
Tell me when you think we'll just stand up,
say enough is enough is enough,enough I'm saying

Running through the fire, running through the flame,
running through the hatred, pushing through the blame,
running through the hopelessness and shame,
revolution already underway.

Take back your feet, take back your hands.
Take back your words, take back your lands.
Take back your heart, take back your pride.
Don't got to run, don't got to hide.
Revolution.

In case you want to hear the rhythm: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3Ky8zTh6DY The guy is even using a cane in the opening scene! How unbelievable perfect!!